Gothic Text files Sexbat's Guide to Dueling to the Death on Hampstead Heath

Sexbat's Guide to Dueling to the Death on Hampstead Heath

One of the reasons that out of the 98 pupils who joined by secondary school in the first year only seventy odd remained at the end of the 'A' levels was not the number of fatal accidents - indeed neither of the shootings were fatal and the stabbing just put everyone off their lunch. No, it was the duels to the death. Our school had a tradition of doing things differently, there was no religion (apart from in the physics department), people arrested for drug related offences were suspended for 25 minutes, and most arguments were settled by the sword.

Although many people decided that getting up at four in the morning to wander around in the fog (or in the dark depending on the time of year) was a waste of time and didn't actually turn up to meet the challenge, I was always up with the dawn on account of having had far too much coffee the day before and not actually going to bed yet. Prefering instead to sleep during modern languages, biology, and physics - mainly physics.

Here, therefore, are a few of my observations about the art of killing someone in a gentlemanly way....

Mist is very important for having a duel. It just doesn't look right if your opponent can see you parking the ford fiesta in the pub car park and then trying to get your dueling swords out of the back seat.

You have to arrive out of the mist, long black coat (frock coat/cloak/ or raincoat) flapping even though there is no wind.

For preference your seconds should be very scary and make it very clear that if you loose they will be less than pleased. Let them carry hammers or chainsaws or tree trunks or something - intimidate the opposition; if they want to call it off you can go and have a pot of coffee and a danish at the Dome in Hampstead high street.

Do not indulge in idle chatter. Simply select your weapon, test its edge or sight along it (depending on choice of weapon), look at your opponent and simply say "ready.".

Do not attempt to phase them out, they will be expecting you to say something like "prepare to meet the prince of the underworld", or, even worse, "You sir are a bounder and a cad", or "I've got this note from my mother", or worst of all "if you bleed on my coat I'll send you a dry cleaning bill".

When the duel begins kill you opponent immediately and then leave. If the mist is doing what it is supposed to, it will close round you and you can then stumble back and throw up all over the ford fiesta in the pub car park.

  1. Never play poker with anyone over the age of forty who says "poker, what is that some sort of card game"
  2. "I am ze finest swordsman in all of France! No one can beat me! Except..." "Except?"
    "Ze man in black. We met once, but that was years ago! He must be..." "Dead? I think not! You see *I* am" "Mon Dieu!"
    "Prepare to meet your maker monsieur"
  3. Always check to make sure your opponent is not a champion fencer, or in the olympic pistol shooting team.
  4. "Your only chance against me in a duel would be battleaxes in a *very* dark cellar"
  5. Inflatable Bananas are *not* an acceptable category of weapon unless you are Alien Sex Fiends road crew.

hell is....
where they invented the reversable kneecap

Newsgroups: alt.gothic
From: (Count Von Sexbat)
Subject: Re: Who are you people?
Date: Wed, 5 Oct 1994 15:22:55 +0000